The Dilemma of Time

I never agreed to the “time heals” blabber. It isn’t time that heals. Time can give you the space to detach yourself from individual painful experiences or get you busied up with life. It would certainly give you the frame of a more solid, intact being, one who is always inwardly tormented. 

It’s a strain to my heart to constantly remind myself with the people I lost to death, not a nice reminisce of memory, i’d refer to it as a small, consistent act of torture. I was sure there was something that keeps pulling me back, and I figured it’s abandoned emotion.

 I never gave myself a proper moment with grief, I let it swarm around my presence, encroaching on my ability to feel anything else. For so long I believed it was an opiate to a breaking heart, to sort of force them back to reality by evoking such a horrifyingly intense emotion, all the time. I was wrong.

Mitch Albom writes in “Tuesdays with Morrie” about how letting yourself experience an emotion fully, but momentarily, can familiarize you with it, and later allow you to identify it. That way, every other experience, say with grief, is lighter and less scarring. This means that my only way out of grief, is through it. Living with the ghost of sadness constantly following you is only going to bring more sadness to your life, and that equals a healing time frame that exists beyond human lifetime.

As I get older, I realize the insisting need to start wrapping my head around life. I hate it when I acknowledge that hurt will find me in every corner of my life, or how pain would be the company I will never enjoy, but amidst all of this, I am hoping the universe catches sight of me beaming, or dreaming, or belonging, because this is all I ever wanted to do.